Dismal outlook

Why is it that when you visit somemwhere for the first time it is great and then all of the subsequent visits don´t seem quite the same?...not that the place has become boring, it just doesn´t have that certain something...or so I have been told. I feel that today I have discovered this to be somewhat true, and it really saddens me.
This event was a particular highlight of the social calendar last year, but this year it all seems frighteningly dull. Perhaps it is because the weather is dismal in comparison, or perhaps because my best friend is now half way across the world and isn´t here to share dinner with us in her sunlit kitchen, while we wonder why this ever has to end...I don´t understand why it doesn´t feel the same this year. I have had more fun this year than I have had in a long time and yet it all seems to be coming to a crashing halt and end. It strikes me that, having essentially disappeared for a month, I have come back to a different dimension...it is like "Sliders" everythng looks the same but it feels so different. Did I change or did everyone around me? I really don´t know...

I have been 'home' for a few days now...I feel different.

Leave the light on; I'll never give up on you.

Tonight I am afraid of the dark. I am scared of the inevitable morning that this night will bring.

How is it possible to have so many perfect moments in such a short space of time? (And yet, at the same time YOU, whoever you will oneday transpire to be, were missing and so something was always lacking from these moments...thus it seems to me, at this moment atleast, that you can improve on perfection).
One's concept of perfection is always changing; like the tide it never stays the same, although the tide changes faster than most of my opinions on things. Was I living before I came here? Becuase I don't seem to remember perfect moments like I experience them now...perhaps I was given new eyes as I stepped off the plane; maybe now, when I return, I will be able to create more of these moments because I understand now what it takes. I am not suggesting that there is some kind of chemical equation,or a magical formula to generate such things, I am merely wondering if I will experience more of them because my attitude has changed and I will therefore be able to see them when they happen, not overlook them.

I am scared of this night because I did not find the one thing that I was looking for, whether I was looking for it consciously or not, and the morning signifies the end of this quest. I have officially run out of time, this time atleast. I am hugely disappointed because of this, yet feel no disappointment because my expectations of everything else have been exceeded ten-fold. Nevertheless, I will never give up on you, missing piece; I will leave the light on so that you can see that I am home; I will leave my bedroom door open just a fraction so that you can come in and we can talk; I will have expectations, even if they are thwarted because you couldn't come today...but it is okay, I won't get angry or frustrated with you because I honestly believe that you are closer than I can imagine. Or I hope so. Afterall, I told myself the exact same thing before I left to come here and meet you. (I have to remember what a wise group of guys once told me, "Life couldn't get better..." And I really believe that, apart from your presence, this trip could not have been any better, okay maybe by seeing the rainbow bridge but I know that I can see that next time; my life has been like a dream...it was a dream; a dream come true; a dream that I created out of nothing and one which I, almost alone, created. And just because it has finished doesn't mean that it is lost).

I am afraid of the dark tonight...but I know that I can just switch on my iPod and the music will help me to relive my dream over and over, until the sun rises. Then maybe the morning won't seem so scary because I know that the best thing(s), the improvement on perfection, is (are) yet to come.

Pack up all your tears and put them in the backseat...

Now I understand why I didn't want to leave re-packing my luggage until the last minute...it sucks. There is no time to get your head around what you actually need and what you can afford to leave behind or throw away. Technically, I need very little that I have with me; I could get rid of all of my toiletries and old make-up, half empty bottles of cleanser- you get the picture. But, realistically, what difference is it going to make? I cannot wear 20kgs of shoes and clothes to the airport :)

Oh what to do, what to do?

Nothing gold can stay.

In five minutes I will be able to say "Tomorrow I am going home." This terrifies me.